Articles for your health and wellness

Why Can't I Forgive You?

Have you ever wondered why achieving forgiveness can be so hard to do? Holding on to resentment gives us the illusion of control; on some level it gives us a false sense of empowerment. We choose to hold on to resentment because we want justice to be done. We want the culprits to experience the consequences of their bad deeds -actions and words. Forgiving can give us the impression that we’re now letting the culprits off the hook; that there will be no consequences and therefore no justice done. As a result we loose and they win the battle! We’re giving up on ourselves and are giving people that have hurt us freedom to be happy and at peace when in fact, they should be suffering or making up for the pain that they’ve caused us or the people that we love. When others do us wrong we want to regain the sense of peace and serenity that we’ve loss as a result of their bad actions and words. It’s an illusion to think that we can regain our sense of peace and joy by holding on to resentment simply because resentment can’t coexist with peace.

You see when we resent we physically and emotionally suffer from resentment which is opposite of peace (resentment registers as stress in the body). What’s important to recognize is that the power to regain our sense of peace is in our hands and not in the hands of the people that have hurt us. Since peace is an internal state of being, it’s accessed and controlled internally only by us. Whether the culprit suffers or not becomes irrelevant in achieving our sense of peace back. Justice is done because we’re no longer giving our power away to the people that have hurt us. We’re no longer waiting for them to experience the depth of our resentment, to be punished, to apologize or to say the right thing. When we wait for justice to be done or for the people that have hurt us to make up for their bad deeds to regain our sense of peace, we give our power away. Our sense of peace is now in the hands of the people that we resent. Would you like for the person that has hurt you the most in life to be in control of your sense of peace and joy? When we hold on to resentment that’s exactly what we let happen. We keep ourselves bound to them until we get the gratification (which isn’t peace) that comes from them suffering, apologizing, saying the right thing, showing gratitude, learning their lesson and so on. Peace has nothing to do with gratification. It has no condition and is accessed only by letting go and releasing negative feelings through forgiveness, which then frees us from the grips of the people that have hurt us so bad. Achieving a sense of peace should be our main focus and priority; that’s how we regain our personal power. In doing so we honor who we are and say to the people that have hurt us “see how happy and at peace I am today! You have no power over me because I’ve chosen to release the negative connection that we have through forgiveness”.

An important point to make is that forgiveness isn’t about denying or suppressing our painful feelings. It’s about recognizing and honoring the depth of our pain and choosing to release it to leave space for more peace. Patience is needed in the forgiveness process as it often happens in stages. We sometimes think that we have completely forgiven, only to later on realize that we haven’t let go in our heart of the resentment that prevents us from experiencing peace. To know where we are in our forgiveness process, we can ask ourselves questions such as “how do I feel when I think of all the bad things that this person did to me?” As long as there’s still a negative emotional charge associated with the past events then the forgiveness process is incomplete. When we no longer feel the need to talk about past pain and when we’re able to mention the bad things that a person did with emotional detachment (meaning it longer upsets us), then we’ve completed the forgiveness process.

The challenge in forgiving is letting go of the identification with what’s been said and done to us. For example a child’s sense of self will be negatively impacted by his abusive parents. The child will interpret the parents’ behavior as meaning things like: “I’m unworthy of love…I’m less deserving than others…I’m not good enough, and so on”. A wife that’s been cheated on may interpret the husband’s behavior as meaning: “I’m undesirable…I’m unattractive…I’m unworthy of love, and so on”. That’s what needs to heal in order for the forgiveness process to be complete. I could write more but will leave you with these questions instead “Has someone’s behavior towards you negatively affected how you feel about yourself?” “Are you ready to begin to forgive them so that you can let go of their control over you?” “Are you aware of how much of your power you’ve given away to others by holding on to resentment?”

© Copyright. Resonance for Life Body/Mind Harmonization Center, 2015. All rights reserved. Unpublished. Anne-Marie Campanella MA.

How Attractive Are You Today?

Why are we so quick to change our mind as to what we perceive to be attractive? Just think of all of the things that we use to find desirable that we now find distasteful and even repulsive; anything from fashion, to home decor, to art, to hair and makeup, to gadgets, cars, toys etc. Let’s not forget certain physical attributes!

The truth is we want what others want. The more people want something the more desirable it becomes. Objects and things from the past remain valuable and sought after only when enough people agree that it is still desirable today. The belief is; “possessing what others want make me more desirable and worthy of other people’s love and attention.” As a result we’re more likely to be welcomed and included in our desired social circle. It nurtures our sense of belonging and need to feel special.

The desire to belong, be part of, admired and wanted can and will override our personal taste on anything. Surprisingly it all happens on a subconscious level! I remember recently looking at a nineteen eighties interior décor magazine that showcased Formica cabinetry for a modern kitchen look; I thought to myself “how could I have ever liked that?” The truth is no one convinced me to like or dislike the cabinets. So, why does our taste and how we feel about certain things change so drastically over time? On a subconscious level we pick up where the populace stands when it comes to the desirability of those things.

Who’s in charge of the populace’s opinion? The trend setters are whoever’s popular at any given moment. We follow the leaders and the mass without even being aware that we’re doing so. We’re programed to seek to fit in. It’s a survival mechanism. “If I fit in, then I don’t need to fear rejection. If I don’t fit in, then I risk being ostracized, judged, ridiculed, excluded etc.”

The few people who have a profound knowingness of their worthiness of love despite what others think, say or feel have an advantage over the rest of world. They are free from the fear of abandonment driven by the need to belong and fit in. They already have an inner sense of belonging that is stable and independent of other people’s perceptions, opinions and feelings. They don’t seek to prove how worthy they are as they already know. Contrary to the rest of the world, their actions and words are driven predominantly by love instead of by fear of abandonment and rejection.

In order to generate money, our culture uses the Media to exploit those fears that most of us have by highlighting the flaws and shortcomings that (according to our culture) make us less attractive and more likely to be rejected by others. In doing so, it convinces us of what we should possess and look like in order to be admired, desired and wanted (e.g. cars, clothes, youthful glow etc.). We then feel the need to invest time, energy and money to obtain the things that will generate the desired attention and acceptance from other people.

The truth is, the less we identify with things that are temporal and transitory, like our looks and material possessions -the freer we become. “If I have a profound belief of my worthiness of love despite my wrinkles for example, than I don’t have to spend money, time and energy to attempt to get rid of them. I become impervious to the Media’s negative influence on my self-worth”. In fact if we think about it, we’re not trying to get rid of wrinkles; we’re trying to appease our fear of rejection that comes with being perceived as less attractive and desirable in the eye of other people. The catch here is that for as long as we identify with our looks -the fear remains. The skin treatments like creams and Botox bring temporary reliefs to a much deeper issue.

When we make peace with our imperfections we become beacons of light for others as in our presence they sense that we don’t judge or hold them to higher standards in order to be worthy of our attention. We love them with detachment. It’s not conditional to them having a certain look, status, car, possession etc. We see past the material world and connect from a place of authenticity. The attractiveness comes from an internal source that emanates outward. We all have the power to love with detachment and it starts with ourselves. To finish let me ask you; how free are you from the fear of rejection, the need to fit in and be admired by others? Are you willing to love with detachment?

© Copyright. Resonance for Life Body/Mind Harmonization Center, 2015. All rights reserved. Unpublished. Anne-Marie Campanella MA.

Why do Certain Unhealthy Patterns in my Life Persist?

Patterns of behavior and beliefs persist through reinforcement. When I believe something to be true of myself or the world, I look for evidence of it on the outside. Through this process, I solidify that reality for me. This is how we make sense of our world. When a pattern’s been reinforced over the years and even generations, it becomes an energy field that influences our thoughts and actions leaving us feeling disempowered.

It’s important to remember that we won’t tend to reinforce things that we don’t believe to be true of ourselves and the world around us. If I feel inferior to people with a certain social status for example, I will look for evidence in these people’s behaviors to justify my feelings of inferiority in their presence. I may misjudge their intentions and actions creating unnecessary pain for myself and others. This constant reinforcement of how I feel about myself and the world is done on a subconscious level and brought on by my observations meant to support my limiting beliefs.

How can a pattern be broken? Start noticing the things that you believe to be true of yourself and the world. When do you feel victimized or powerless for example.

When a pattern’s been identified, you can begin to notice when it shows up. By paying attention to the reality that you are observing, you’ll notice that there’s a story. What role are you playing? Are you a victim or a perpetrator? Once you recognize the role that you are playing in the story, you have the power to change the script.

You change the script by first becoming aware of when the pattern shows up, secondly by reminding yourself that your thoughts, beliefs and emotions do not define you and that it is therefore safe to release them. Lastly, you need to step into your power and from that place of empowerment notice how the story changes. The last step needs to be practiced before a trigger happens. It’s difficult if not impossible to step into your power when an event triggers the amygdala, and that you find yourself in fight or flight mode.

In order to effectively change a pattern you have to know what it feels like to be in your power. You can do this by revisiting an event that sent you in a state of reactivity. Then change the script by noticing what happens differently when you feel empowered.

In my opinion, from a place of true empowerment, you recognize your essence. The need to judge is replaced by acceptance and openness to new possibilities, ideas and points of views. People’s thoughts and feelings about you don’t define your sense of self. You no longer feel the need to attach people to you through external gratification (e.g. looks, money, status, care-taking behavior etc.). Others are attracted to you because you’re coming from a place of love and acceptance instead of from a place of judgment, neediness, fear of abandonment, resentment, pain and suffering.

Patterns resonate with pain and need to be transcended if we’re ever going to live a life in line with our higher self. It takes time, persistence and guidance to recognize all the forms that they take. They are easy to recognize in others and difficult to identify in ourselves. They persist because on a subconscious level, we reinforce what we believe to be true of ourselves and the world around us. Unless we make a conscious effort to work on developing our awareness of them, we’ll continue to fuel belief systems that generates pain for ourselves and others. The good news is that we all have the power to change the script and live a life in line with our higher self.

© Copyright. Resonance For Life Body/Mind Harmonization Center, 2014. All rights reserved. Unpublished. Anne-Marie Campanella, MA

Connecting to our Essence: the Art of Detachment

When our status, relationships, physical attributes, health, level of intelligence etc., no longer defines and limits us, we begin to master the art of separation from what’s transitory and temporal to reconnect with the part of us that is permanent. Some call this part, higher self, spiritual or divine essence among other things.

The people who inspire and move the world are those who have managed to find inner peace and joy despite having suffered illnesses, tragedies or handicaps that would make most of us collapse under the weight of the pain. By no longer letting external factors define their essence, these people have mastered the art of detachment from what’s unimportant, temporal, and transitory. They have learned to reconnect with their essence, with the part of themselves that is permanent. In doing so, they remind us of the importance of not letting external factors define our worth. They remind us that inner peace and joy is internally generated and independent of external factors. They remind us of our essence, of our ability to overcome adversity, transcend pain and of our duty to do so if we’re ever going to live a life in line with our higher self. These people are of all ages, just ordinary folks that walk the street who won’t get noble prizes, medals or recognition for their accomplishments. However they are the very definition of success in my book. If pain has become a permanent fixture in your heart, remember that you have to power to be one of them!

© Copyright. Resonance For Life Body/Mind Harmonization Center, 2014. All rights reserved. Unpublished. Anne-Marie Campanella, MA

Could Your Dreams in Life Become Your Nightmare in Reality?

We all have dreams and aspirations of achieving or obtaining something of this world to improve upon who we are and our quality of life.  Everyone aspires for something different such as a better career/achievement, home, health, finances, relationship, etc… On the positive side, in the process of moving closer to realizing those dreams and aspirations we discover our potential.  We develop inner strengths and abilities that make us shine and in some cases inspire others.  We then become leaders in our field.  We receive the respect and admiration of people who in turn become motivated to pursue their dreams to shine their light on the world.  

It is perfectly normal in life to want our dreams to become reality; to hope for better and more for ourselves, the ones we love and the world.  As a result we focus our energy and attention towards what, “we think” will make us and others happy and fulfilled.  What we think and believe which is based on our conditioning (our upbringing, culture, education, society, religious beliefs) becomes our own unique experience of the world; our own definition of what is needed and missing to experience a sense of fulfillment and contentment in life.  Those mental concepts become guides that define our reality and potential for success.  Where do I fit in? How do I compare to others? How can I improve? What’s missing? What should I do next?  All those questions and more answered from mental concepts produce dreams and aspirations for a better life.  Our sense of self-worth which arises out of conditioning and experience of the world then determines our potential for success in achieving those dreams. 

As members of society, we often feel that some of us are clearly at a disadvantage in succeeding and achieving a sense of fulfillment in life.  We perceive them to be lesser than and we judge them based on our mental definition of what, “a good or a successful person” should be and should aspire to become. We feel that some people (which can include ourselves) will never measure up to our and society’s definition of success.  They are doomed to live a life of discontent or so they and/or we think.  Then there are those who appear to have it all and to succeed in making their dreams come true with ease. They are, “living the dream!” or so it appears to be until the sense of satisfaction dissipates to leave room for the need for more and for the impression that, “something is still missing”.  The sense of lack then creates new aspirations and dreams for hopes of fulfillment, happiness and contentment in the future.  They live in the future, experience nostalgia or regret the past and miss out on what is present. Their dreams then start to feel like nightmares.   The sense of presence where inner peace and joy resides eludes them.  Although they may appear to have it all, they feel at a loss… So the excitement of the pursuit of the next and then the next dream and aspiration becomes their addiction.

What if instead of dreaming we could wake up to the truth of what we are by dropping all of our mental concepts and judgments?  By letting go of the need to assess and evaluate where we fit in, how we compare, and what is missing and needed to experience fulfillment in life?  What if we gave ourselves permission to simply just, “BE”?  What if instead of aspiring for something out there we simply allowed ourselves to be inspired to do what comes naturally to each and every one of us?  Wouldn’t it be nice to not have to live up to the image and mental concepts that we’ve been holding onto for so long?   

Some would say that dropping every mental concept and judgment won’t pay their debt, improve their health or bring back their loved ones and I would agree.  What will change is the meaning that we give to those things which will then transform our experience of the world and sense of self-worth.  Every moment lived in presence is freedom.  Nothing and no one out there can change, add or subtract from what we are at our core.  Only the belief that it can will impact “our sense” of self-worth, but never our worthiness. 

Some would say that without the pursuit of our dreams and aspirations we will live a mediocre, boring life and won’t contribute or bring any value to the world.  I would start by saying that at our core outside of our mental concepts and conditioning, we are.  What we aspire to become, we are not.  It’s a future projection based on conditioning and on those mental concepts that fluctuate with time.  When we drop our identification with them, meaning with the constantly changing idea we have of who we are; in other words, when we give ourselves the right to be, we allow the life source within to emerge.  We no longer aspire to become somebody in this world in order to be worthy of the love that we already are.  From presence, from the source of love within we instead become inspired.  Unlike in the pursuit of our dreams our actions don’t derive from a sense of lack, and desire for recognition, for more, and for love.  As presence we experience the life force within which guides us into action when necessary but is never manipulated by mental concepts based on fear.

Some would say, “Well, you have to have a plan in life in order to succeed.  You can’t just always wait for inspiration.”

I would say that the only real important plan in life is to awaken to the truth of what we are at our core which does not require a waiting period because it already is.  By recognizing the most important treasure within we’ll no longer wonder, “Where do I fit in? What’s next? What’s missing? How can I contribute to the world?”  Your presence itself will be your contribution to others and your actions deriving from unconditional love will break mental concepts and false ideas that people have about who they are.  There’s no better gift to this world…

To finish I would like say that I am truly grateful and thankful for the wisdom of the true leaders of this world in particular Mooji, who teaches and reminds us of the importance of living as presence.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

© Copyright. Resonance For Life Body/Mind Harmonization Center, 2018. All rights reserved. Unpublished. Anne-Marie Tremblay MA.


The Great the Pain The Greater the Potential for Growth!

Do you feel down on your luck? Maybe you’ve reached your breaking point when it comes to a certain life situation. Things didn’t turn out the way you wanted or expected. You feel overwhelmed, weak and unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

When this happens it’s as if life all of a sudden forces us to carry a three hundred pound load on our back. We can’t help but wonder, “how am I going to find the strength to stand up on my own two feet and move forward?!” What we know thus far is that in the absence of the heavy load life has taught us to stand up with ease. Today however, life is challenging us to develop the internal attributes, the resources (ex: resiliency, courage, determination, faith, compassion, etc.), that will provide the power to rise up under those difficult circumstances. We may think to ourselves, “how am I going to do this? I don’t have the strength!” We may even think “It’s hopeless, I want to give up!” and “why me?!”

The truth is we don’t always know or understand why life all of a sudden forces us to carry such a heavy load (ex: an illness, a death, a financial crisis, a divorce, an accident, etc…). It may feel unfair and unjustified. However, if we’re ever going to find inner peace and joy again, we have to learn to stand up on our own two feet and rise up to the challenge whether we like it or not!

At that point, it’s our attitude and focus in the face of adversity that determines our potential for growth and success. If our focus is on our weaknesses then our attitude is one of defeat. We feel like powerless victims in the face of adversity. The load that was meant to provide resistance so that we can become stronger more compassionate individuals, now weights us down to the point of collapse. On the other hand if our focus is on our abilities, then our attitude is one of empowerment. We can move forward knowing that despite our fears and weaknesses the load provides the resistance that allows us to build up deeper strengths. As a result we grow into wiser, more empowered and well-rounded individuals. We then become sources of hope and inspiration for the rest of the world.

“It’s easier said than done” you might say and I would agree. However, just like when people go to the gym to hire a trainer to learn to lift weights properly and avoid injuries; we sometimes need to reach out to others in whom we can instill trust to help us in our personal growth journey. Remember that admitting that you can’t do it on your own is not a sign of weakness but one of wisdom…
So, let’s smile in the face of adversity because that the greater the pain, the greater the potential for growth!

© Copyright. Resonance for Life Body/Mind Harmonization Center, 2016. All rights reserved. Unpublished. Anne-Marie Campanella MA.

Love Lessons From my Dying Dog

Pitchoo is a twelve year old mixed bread, 10 pound dog. She’s been my life companion for all of those
years. Where I am is where she wants to be. She follows me around and anticipates the moments when I’m going to sit down. The second I sit, Pitchoo jumps on my lap and makes herself comfortable. She exhales once and closes her eyes. Her demeanor says “feel the love and peace”. Her peaceful state is contagious and in that moment she lets me know that “I am loved and all is well”. She reminds me to be present. She lives in the moment and embraces life to the fullest.

She has a heart condition and her days are numbered. She coughs, has trouble breathing, sometimes chokes on her food, passes out, can only go for short walks, yet…she appears to love life! On good like on bad days, she emanates peace and joy. Her spirit is unaffected by the disease. When she’s not feeling well, she lays on my chest instead of on my lap. In that position, I can feel her labored heart beating against mine. It’s as if her heart wants to let mine know that our time together in this life will come to an end. My heart responds with waves of love and appreciation for all that she is. I then think to myself “this may be the day that she leaves me for good and for God”.

The next day comes and Pitchoo wakes up like nothing happened. She’s energetic, plays with her toys and seeks to jump on my lap. She asks me once more to be present with her. To love, laugh and live life to the fullest; in that moment that’s what I do…

Pitchoo this little dog with a big personality has been and continues to be my teacher. My time spent with her teaches me how to access peace and joy through presence. She’s also the best example of resiliency one can find. She’s by my side now and tomorrow…she may not be. But the lessons learned will remain. In times of sorrow, my heart will recall the love song made by the soft pounding of hers beating next to that moment I’ll remember that I am loved.

© Copyright. Resonance for Life Body/Mind Harmonization Center, 2015. All rights reserved. Unpublished. Anne-Marie Campanella MA.

How to Attract and Maintain an Authentic Loving Relationship

When it comes to dating and relationships it would be fair to assume that a kind, generous and thoughtful person has the best chances of success in love. Yet, as we know it’s often not the case. You may be one of those people and might be asking yourself, “Why can’t I succeed in attracting and maintaining a loving relationship?” Here are 4 questions meant to give you insights on what needs to heal in order to attract and maintain an authentic loving relationship.

#1 Are you coming from a place of love or a place of fear of rejection?

Often people say and do all the right things to attract and maintain a loving relationship. However what’s important to realize is that what you say and do has little to do with how others perceive you. What people perceive and buy into is how you feel about yourself. Are you coming from a place of fear of rejection? When that’s the case, your kind acts and words read as such. The message sent is, “I don’t love myself so please love, want and desire me…” The desperation behind your actions is evidence of your lack of self-love. When deep down inside you don’t believe that you are worthy then others pick up on that idea as well. The love and affection that you so desperately seek is denied. You see, people with a healthy sense of self don’t want to have to carry the burden of your lack of self-love - they seek a loving relationship, not one where they have to satisfy the needs of an insecure person. Your task then is to recognize your worthiness of love despite your imperfections and shortcomings. From there you can begin to approach others from a place of love instead of a place of fear of rejection.

#2 Are you setting healthy boundaries?

Boundaries are the foundation of all relationships. When we are at peace with who we are we choose relationships that nurture that state of being. We welcome in our lives people that contribute to the expansion of our internal state of peace and joy. We also choose to leave out those who create disharmony within ourselves and who dishonor who we are. On a subconscious level, individuals who feel unworthy of love and respect allow disrespect. They recognize abusive behavior in people yet are unable to set healthy boundaries when the abuse is directed towards them. This is because subconsciously they feel undeserving of the love that they seek. Which means, “If I’m unworthy of love then I’m worthy of everything that resonates with its absence, meaning disrespect, neglect, being taken advantage of etc.” Only you can set the standards as to what’s acceptable or not and it’s based on how you feel about yourself. If you don’t feel deserving then you’ll get what you feel that you deserve –the absence of love. Your job then is to recognize how worthy you are, despite how others have made you feel in the past. That’s what needs to heal.

#3 Are you being authentic?

True authentic people are self-assured. They have a positive, stable sense of self, impervious to the critics of others. They don’t feel the need to play games of seduction, or to attempt to manipulate people to gain positive attention. Seeking external validation to confirm how attractive, valuable, and worthy they are is unnecessary; they already have an internal sense and conviction of their worthiness of love. Pleasing others and saying the right thing to be accepted and included isn’t part of their agenda. By being honest and upfront about their feelings and values, they establish the foundation for the possibility of a genuine relationship to take root. It takes a lot of courage to be authentic as the fear of rejection and of hurting others often takes precedent over the need to be truthful. However let’s keep in mind that as we become more authentic we can begin to attract people who honor who we are, and we can then more easily leave out those who don’t. We stop building resentment and wasting time nurturing the wrong relationships to welcome genuine love.

#4 Are you taking ownership of your experience?

Taking ownership of your experience means recognizing that how you feel about yourself isn’t defined by other people’s opinions. John devotes time, efforts and energy into nurturing his relationship. After giving the best of himself to his significant other, he discovers that she’s been having an affair. He’s devastated by the betrayal and chooses to leave the relationship. The story doesn’t end there for John. This traumatic experience continues today to negatively impact how he feels about himself and about relationships in general. When we identify with how other people treat us, our sense of self gets defined by their actions, not our own. They now have power over us.

For John the affair from his previous relationship continues to make him feel that despite all of his efforts and devotion, he’s unworthy of love and respect. What’s important to understand is that when a person betrays and disrespects you, all this says is something about that person’s character. It says nothing about you being deserving of “betrayal and disrespect”. In most cases people stay wounded because they continue to identify with the actions and words of people that have hurt them in the past. As a result, because they carry baggage, meaning resentment, and their negative sense of self into their next relationship, love continues to elude them. Healing takes place through true forgiveness, when we’re able to recognizing our worthiness despite how others have made us feel in the past. In doing so, we take ownership of our experience, which means that we no longer let people’s bad actions and words define our sense of self. Once healing takes place on that level, we can begin to welcome genuine love in our lives.


There’s so much more to write about when it comes to relationships, but I’ll leave you instead with these 4 questions to ponder. Simply said the success of attracting and maintaining a loving relationship depends upon our ability to heal the negative beliefs, perceptions and feelings that prevent us from recognizing how deserving and worthy of love we truly are. It’s about acknowledging at a profound level that we are worthy despite our perceived shortcomings and imperfections. It’s about prioritizing an inner state of peace and joy by working on developing attributes that nurture that state. Attributes like patience, resiliency, humor, the ability to forgive and let go, strength, determination, courage etc. When we honor and value that part of ourselves above the superficial, we gain self-assurance and self-respect. We are then empowered to be authentic, to establish healthy boundaries with others, to take ownership of our experiences and to welcome genuine love in our lives. Looking at your past relationships and using the questions above, you can identify where healing needs to take place in order to attract genuine love. Take comfort in knowing that a well-trained therapist can help you in this process.

© Copyright. Resonance for Life Body/Mind Harmonization Center, 2015. All rights reserved. Unpublished. Anne-Marie Campanella MA

Worry Less...Care More

Most of us are accustomed to worrying about our loved ones. Whether it be about their health, education, financial situation, relationships etc. When we love, we worry. Is it possible to love and care without worrying? Here’s one good reason why you should stop worrying about your loved ones that will benefit both you and them. Improve your relationships by fueling hope instead of hopelessness

Simply said, we worry because we care. It’s only natural to care about the physical and emotional wellbeing of the people that we love. However, when we’re not given the power to solve problems that pertains to them -we worry. We feel like powerless witnesses. Witnesses of what will become of our loved ones and of their situation. The truth is we worry in part because we lack faith. We lack faith in the ability of the person whom we care about to overcome adversity. As a result, we spend time and energy making up worst case scenarios. We think of reasons why the person may fail, get worst, get ruined, have a mental breakdown and so on. We engage in a thinking process that promotes feelings of fear and hopelessness for both us and the person that we care about. As a result our caring becomes careless.

For the majority of us, during tough times, we seek the support of people or a person that we feel safe confining in. So let me ask you the following question; how does it make you feel to know that this person has faith in your ability to overcome adversity? How does it feel to know that this person trusts that you have what it takes to come up on top no matter how challenging the circumstances are? How would you feel instead, if you knew that this person didn’t believe in your power to overcome life’s challenges? How would you feel if your closest confidant held in his or her heart the picture of a grim future for you and your situation?

When we offer support to people that we care about and that we spend too much time worrying (which means we lack faith), we add hopelessness to their situation. When we offer support by coming from a place of mostly faith instead of a place of fear -we offer hope. We become a soft place to fall on. We send the message that in the face uncertainty and difficulties, all is well. We remind them of the power that resides within them to overcome adversity. We do this by placing our focus on their strengths instead of on their short comings and weaknesses. In doing so, we empower our relationships. We learn to support each other from a place of hope and faith instead of a place of fear and hopelessness.

© Copyright. Resonance for Life Body/Mind Harmonization Center, 2015. All rights reserved. Unpublished. Anne-Marie Campanella MA.

Are you Haunted by Past Mistakes and Feel Like you Can’t Move On?

Don’t spend time and energy dwelling on past mistakes and failures. Learn from them and move on. Let’s remind ourselves that life is a series of trials and errors that are meant to draw us closer to our essence. Mistakes are simply part of our evolution process. Great inventions come out of a series of trials and errors. Great inventors are driven by passion and understand that each error draws them closer to their goal. Forgive yourself for not being perfect and recognize that we are all broken. Learn to use past mistakes as a spring board to propel yourself towards the achievement of higher goals. In doing so you free up energy that was once spent on punishing yourself to instead better your condition and that of people that you’ve hurt. When you dwell on past mistakes you block progress by going around in circles instead of moving forward. The focus of attention becomes you, what you did, should have done or didn’t do instead of being what you’ve learned, what you can do and how you can improve. With a simple shift of focus and attitude you move from self-defeat to self-empowerment. Recognize that implying that you should have done everything right the first time around -shows a lack of humility. Admitting that you’ve made mistakes and that you’re learning from them -shows wisdom. When you no longer feel threatened and held back by past mistakes, you become humble and wise.

© Copyright. Resonance For Life Body/Mind Harmonization Center, 2014. All rights reserved. Unpublished. Anne-Marie Campanella, MA

Stressed out? “Go with the flow!

We’ve all heard of the saying “go with the flow”, I believe that stress comes from our resistance to go with the flow. In our attempts to control others and life events, we waste precious energy swimming upstream and burning ourselves out. The need to control comes from the belief that happiness and peace is dependent on external factors (e.g. job, relationships, health etc.).

Stress can be brought about by the codependent relationships that I believe most of us have and nurture in one form or another. We develop those relationships when we hold others responsible for how we feel about ourselves. We too often let other people’s actions, opinions and feelings dictate our sense of selves and in this process we give our power away. As a consequence, these people hold the key to our inner peace and happiness. In order to access our desired state of being, we now have to attempt to control the key holders that we have subconsciously assigned (e.g. husband/wife, parents, children, coworker etc.).

We get back the key (our power) when we recognize that our sense of self, our peace and joy is internally generated and controlled, independent of other people’s actions, opinions, and feelings. This means that when our children, our spouse, our boss, friends etc. act in a disrespectful manner towards us for example, we no longer attribute their behavior as a reflection of who we are. It doesn’t send us into a state of reactivity where the need to judge and control dominates in an attempt to make us feel whole again.

As a result of choosing to let ourselves and others be -in the absence of judgment, we release the negative connection that keep us bound to each other through pain. A tremendous amount of stress gets released as we begin to recognize that we now hold the key to our happiness. The energy once spent trying to control and hold on to negative feelings towards the key holders is now available to open the door for healing, following our passions in life, our higher purpose. We’re then able to “go with the flow!”

© Copyright. Resonance For Life Body/Mind Harmonization Center, 2014. All rights reserved. Unpublished. Anne-Marie Campanella, MA

Are you Blocking Access to Your Inner Peace and Joy?

Have you ever wondered why achieving and maintaining inner peace can be such a challenge? When people struggle with poverty, loss or other difficult life circumstances the answer is obvious. However, from our society’s standards some people appear to have it all and yet peace continues to elude them. Why is that?

In my experience as a therapist I’ve come to identify two states of being that we constantly move in and out of, that blocks access to our state of empowerment where peace and joy resides. The two states are the victim and the perpetrator state.

Here’s a brief description of the two states:

In a victim state, we feel powerless, unable to take responsibility for our experience of the world, we self-pity. In this state we do not seek to find solutions to our problems we seek to be right -To prove the point that we are innocent and life events or others are to blame for our inner suffering. The victim state is self-perpetuating as from the ego’s perspective it’s incredibly rewarding to be right. Any insights suggested from others goes unheard as we’re subconsciously reinforcing a state of powerlessness to earn the ego’s reward, which is, “I’m right they’re wrong…I’m the winner!”

A typical behavior of someone in a victim state is the constant repetition of a story which justifies and supports the state of victimization. We either become absorbed in our internal dialog or in a social context we seek (on a subconscious level) to convince others of the extent of our powerlessness and victimhood. As a result, we may elicit compassion; those feelings however are short lived and turn to resentment when others who try to help begin to realize that they’re being used to reinforce our state of negativity.

You see, in a victim state, the focus is not on trying to find resolution or solutions to a problem. The ego’s interest is in proving the fact that others are wrong, at fault or to blame for our inner suffering. We get the gold medal for being right! The problem here is that by constantly reinforcing our negative state of victimhood, we suck the life out of anyone who tries to help. In doing so, we turn into perpetrators. In addition to this, we don’t lessen our pain we actually reinforce the victim state that’s at the root of our suffering.

Another typical behavior that we adopt in a victim state is the labeling of people that have hurt us. The ego seeks to diminish the pain induced by others by perceiving them as the villains. “You see if they’re the villains then I’m the good guy.” That’s the ego’s incentive. The problem is, in labeling we limit our ability to gain insights on the pain and deeper motives that fuel the behavior of the people that have hurt us; which if we sought to understand could give us insights on how to forgive and regain our personal power.

In a perpetrator state, we hold on to negative feelings of resentment and seek to target the object of our inner suffering. The perpetrator show’s up to protect and defend the victim. Another role is to keep track of accumulated debt in order to demand restitution for past suffering. The perpetrator doesn’t believe in finding peace within, it believes in the acquisition of power by show of force. The false sense of empowerment gained from controlling people and outside factors is the reward for the perpetrator. “If I’m feeling depressed and oppressed, holding resentment and targeting the cause of my feelings minimizes my sense of powerlessness. It gives me the illusion that I’m in control. I was a powerless victim and now I’m powerful and in control. I’ve identified the culprits now all that’s left to do is to make them pay.” The problem here is that for as long as you rely on others to make up for their bad deeds in order for you to regain your sense of peace…you’re not in control THEY are! You continue to be at the mercy of other people’s behaviors, opinions and feelings. Life is a constant battle and you lose. Your sense of peace continues to elude you.

Guilt is another form of perpetrator. It’s the perpetrator turned against oneself. You beat yourself up for what you did, should have done or didn’t do. It’s a way for the victim to regain control over a situation that feels or felt out of control. I’m the culprit and in order to make things right I bring out my perpetrator and punish myself for all my bad deeds.

To sum it up, in the victim and perpetrator state we never seek to find resolution and solutions to problems. Our energy and resources are used instead to fuel the ego’s rewards which results in further pain for ourselves and others.

Illusion maintained by the victim and perpetrator:

When we are victims of an accident, an assault or an unfair deal for example, the initial cause of our inner suffering is external. At that point we have the duty to transcend the inner pain so that we can stop reliving the trauma associated with the original wound. That’s an internal process. The victim and perpetrator believe in applying external force or targeting outside factors in order to regain inner peace. From their perspective there is no other way to deal with pain that has been induced by external factors. The naive belief maintained by the victim and perpetrator is that an inner state of peace and joy strictly depends on those external factors.

That’s when we have to educate the victim and perpetrator that there’s another way of being, that suffering doesn’t have to be eternal. The way is by accessing a state of empowerment.

In an empowered state:

We take ownership of our experience of the world. By pulling out of the victim and perpetrator state and into a state of empowerment, we shift our focus away from external factors and refocus instead on our internal reality. We use past pain as life lessons to better ourselves; to learn about resiliency, letting go, patience, perseverance, courage, boundary setting, self-respect, flexibility and so on.We regain our personal power as we no longer depend on others to make up for their debt in order to feel whole again. We choose to be at peace. We stop letting external events dictate our internal state of being. We access our higher self. We pull out of fight or flight (victim and perpetrator state) which means we can now access our reasoning; we find solutions to problems and see opportunities that use to elude us. Opportunities eluded us because we weren’t looking for them. Instead our energy was spent in targeting the object of our suffering and in maintaining a state of negativity -In maintaining and fueling pain in our lives.

We gain tools that allow us to progress and become stronger more empowered individuals. “OK, but still…it’s the person that’s to blame for my pain whom needs the life lesson, not me” says the perpetrator. You’re missing the point, those life challenges are from a state of empowerment -opportunities to move ahead in our evolution. We access the deeper meaning in life and begin to identify and nurture our inner qualities which results in a more permanent state of empowerment where peace and joy reside. We move forward in our evolution. Resentment and negativity holds us back. It turns our past experience into our present nightmare. It becomes an underground current of energy that biases our perception and experience of reality.

It’s important to know that we constantly move in and out of the three states. The goal is to move towards a more permanent state of empowerment where peace and joy resides -That’s an internal process. Let’s remind ourselves that life’s experiences in all of its forms, the good and the bad, are meant to bring us closer to our essence where peace and joy reside. Our quality of life depends on the amount of time and energy spent in maintaining one of the three states. It’s good to know that by simply recognizing the role that the victim and perpetrator play in our lives, we become more empowered individuals. We can now learn to choose to nurture and move towards a more permanent state of peace and joy.

© Copyright. Resonance For Life Body/Mind Harmonization Center, 2014. All rights reserved. Unpublished. Anne-Marie Campanella, MA